W H M E T Part III (The Moron in Me)

Last time on We Have Much Experienced Turbulence: Wilton, Carl, and Andrew got through the check in line, a lady with a large suitcase and a large book ate 4 cookies, our author was offered an orange and a sprite spewed everywhere. 2 hours to take off.

Up to this point my observations have been live. I saw it and I recorded it. Obviously this could not continue while in line, so what you are about to read is what happened while in line as I recorded it after it happened.

- I am a moron! Lady who was taking pictures and offered me an orange was traveling with lady who had her shoes off and sprite spewing man. They had too much luggage and were going to have to pay extra. They asked if we could all check in together since I was traveling extremely light. My brain said no way this is exactly the kind of thing that gets people in trouble. My mouth however said o.k.

(Yes I know. I have been told numerous times to never do this. I always thought that only an idiot would ever get in this situation, but you just never know how dumb you can be until the opportunity presents itself. No lectures are needed. I have learned my lesson. Now back to the story.)

- When their luggage went through the x-ray machine, red lights flashed, sirens sounded, and airport security swarmed.

-Two major problems here. There were two metal telescopic beating sticks (for lack of a better term) like what night watchmen carry in one of the bags. Problem number 2 there were three languages represented in this situation. This had all the makings of an international incident.

- I stood there speechless for what seemed like an eternity. Thoughts that went through my head at the time…… So here it is, this is how it all ends for Heath. I wonder what the deportation process is like. I hope oriental jail is not like it is in the movies. I wonder how long my sentence will be. I wonder if I get a phone call. I wonder if I should call someone now before they confiscate my phone. Why oh why did it agree to this? I wonder if the beating sticks are just a decoy to throw the authorities off the trail of the real goods that I am now involved in smuggling.

- Finally, a man who was going to where I was who could translate came up and helped to straighten out the ordeal. He managed to get me cleared and as soon as I had my boarding pass and passport I did my best Carl Lewis impersonation and left the three others behind hoping never to see them again.

-I went to the customs line and waited for a few moments until a uniformed security person came over to me and took me by the arm and started escorting me out of the line. Things that went through my mind at that moment…….. Run! Fake a Heart Attack. Play dumb. Answer no questions. Just smile and be polite. I am going to be on the news. What if they found something else? This is not over.

- Fortunately the uniformed officer was just escorting me to the foreigner line at customs. WHEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!

- 1 hour to take off

Next time on We Have Much Experienced Turbulence: Our author resumes live observations, the luggage acquaintances are back, and laying the foundation for a cover story.

Question of the day. For the satisfaction of a job well done. What is your best multipurpose excuse for blatant stupidity? Ex. The dog ate it.